Let Your Tears Water The Garden of Your Soul

“Pure emotional expression of grief is not widely accepted in our culture. We have no wailing wall. Our culture often views public displays of emotion as ‘drama,’ or perhaps a means of getting sympathy or attention. 

Even in the privacy of our own homes, many of us do not know how to create a safe container or a healthy outlet for such strong emotions. Moreover, we might feel that if we were to open the floodgates of grief, the sorrow and pain would surely engulf and overwhelm us.

When I experienced the loss of my beloved husband, I realized that I would need to find healthy ways of expressing the pain before it debilitated me. I did not want to become robotic – coping and strategizing to keep the lid on that volcano of depression, angst and rage. I was committed to finding outlets for this grief.

But grieving is not for the faint-hearted.  How do we trust that the grief will not wash over us and threaten us with dysfunction?  Or that it won’t scare our friends and family away?  It takes courage to say: “I matter and the healing of my heart matters.” Is there a way to create a safe container to allow this pain to surface and move through us, like a storm, just enough so we can breathe a little deeper, laugh a little more and let go?

The good news is that it is possible to feel the depths of your loss, and it is this brave act itself that will bring you back to life. There are many safe techniques that can help in your recovery.  Movement is one of them.  Find an outlet for yourself to move your body and move the grief. Many communities have ecstatic dance programs based on the work of Gabriella Roth.  This is an excellent setting - a very safe place to release energy and express all kinds of emotions.  Here on Oahu we have ecstatic dance classes each sunday. Many other communities offer this as well.

Journaling is another profound tool that can even become a means to communicate with our deceased loved ones. Through journaling, I created a written dialogue with my husband in which I could resolve things that were left unsaid.  We have all said things that we regret, or made comments that could have been expressed with more care.  Sometimes my beloved would come through and send me messages through my journaling which were deeply comforting.

Expressing grief through our voice, through drumming and sound are also therapeutic and a healthy session or two of anger release, done in an appropriate environment, goes a very long way.

We are resilient people – death teaches us this lesson. We know how to get on with life by just getting up and facing each day. There is honor in this. But beyond our own resilience is a place where we can open deeper to life by discovering our interconnectedness to one another and by sharing our process. Our interconnectedness will offer additional opportunities for personal growth. The love we once shared with a single individual may now be experienced coming to us from a more diverse source of people. Look around you and discover how love is present in all of your experiences and with those that are here in your life.

Above all, allow yourself the freedom to feel - without any attachment to the results - your tears, your laughter, your anger and your letting go. The storm is just washing through and the weather is forever changing.  We can simply be witness to it all. When we detach enough to do so, the weight of the experience no longer holds us hostage. We begin to feel relaxed and know that grieving is indeed a natural process. It is in the trusting and letting go that we heal. We experience an inner springtime within, a renewal of love for ourselves and for all we have endured from this well of life.  And we can continue to choose life.

It is possible to wake yourself up from the coma, from the terror of this frozen traumatic state. Then the past is over, the  “now” moment arrives through your brave act of experiencing yourself in the unknown.

Somewhere between your will to live and your acceptance of the loss and its pain, is the soft garden in your heart. Your tears water this garden so your soul can bloom once again. It is true! I assure you, roses await within.”

Kauakea Winston